It was last summer and I was at home in my village.
Quarrel between Indian mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (Saas, bahu) is nothing new. It’s not because of famous TV soaps like ‘Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi’, but because it happens in almost every Indian house. And this time my mom was upset for my grandma’s bitter words. She (grandma) was behaving odd as she felt that her daughter-in-law was not acting as per her desire. I hardly pay attention to such things but this time it was me at the center.
“Why the hell she is cursing you because of my affairs”, was my immediate reaction to my mom. I got angry and decided to sort the matter out with a word with my grandma. I went to her of course not in a very good mood. As usual she made a warm welcome and made me sit beside her with affection. I managed a smile on my face. Before I started she began, “Dear…I have brought you up in these hands and now you have grown up and you earn too. See, last year your mother’s father expired. At this age of ours anything may happen. Before anything wrong happens we want to see you married. And I don’t think your mother is serious about it …” She continued as my grandpa sitting next to her nodded.
And here I was almost ready to fight with her over her rude behavior with my mom and now finding ways to hide my tears. “What am I doing?” I asked myself. It was her apprehension that made her behave so and I could discover that only after knowing her viewpoint. I felt guilty about myself. “Your dreams and aspirations are OK, but it’s also your responsibility to make your near and dear ones happy”, somebody was telling me within me. I did not promise anything to her, had some nice conversations, consoled her that everything would be all right as she desired and came back after an hour.
Had I never got to know her viewpoint I would have fought with her and imagine what a kind of sin I would have committed. But after I got aware of her perspective I got embarrassed of myself and changed my attitude and further behavior.
Many a times it happens to all of us. We start reacting without trying to know other person’s viewpoint. In India most of the time we as sons or daughters fight with our parents over their refutation on our choice of to be spouse. We forget to think from their perspective. They love their children and that’s why they get concerned with a fear that something wrong may happen. Once they get convinced that we would be really happy with our selected to be spouse they hardly refuse our decision. Similarly we as guardians just think from our own side and impose our decision on our kith and kin without giving a thought of what really make them happy. Once we discover their ultimate pleasure and betterment we never like to impose ours on them.
Another such incident happened to me and of course in different context.
Last year, I taught a course in Jyoti Nivas College at Bangalore. I was excited for this as because I was having a teaching assignment nearly after 3 years. Though I taught in between it happened in some discrete way.
First day I went there and found really exciting and enthusiastic group of students. After my second class a girl came and asked me with elation, “Sir, are you from Orissa?” I said,” yes”. “From where are you in Orissa“, I asked in Oriya to get into conversation. “Barhampur”, she replied. We talked for sometime and I went. But I discovered that she was happy probably because we were from same state and speak common language.
I never found her actively participating in the class. But it was not that she was uninterested or something like that. After most of my class she came and asked me the stuffs to explain which I told in the class repeatedly and also asked pupils to raise if they were still not clear. It used to be frustrating for me. “Why the hell she is not asking those in the class?” Usually after 4 hours of class when the time was around 3 PM on an Indian summer day and I could feel nothing but mice in my stomach, I never bothered to explain those to her. Every time I gave an excuse with a smile and rushed to near by Udupi rastuarant to soothe my appetite.
The last class got over and it was the day I was taking the test. As all were busy writing their paper I was thinking about myself what I could have done better in the entire training. And it’s the girl flashing back in my mind. I never tried to think why she was not asking me those in the class. Probably she is not so comfortable in side to stand among all students and ask a question. May be that she was shy enough to do that. It may also happen that she found her doubts silly enough as compared to rather more intelligent rest of the class. And she always expected me to understand her and manage to get some time teach her the stuff she got confused, which I never did.
Had I tried to understand her viewpoint little earlier it would have been bit better.
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